First... Maintain A Healthy Degree OF Insanity
With thanks to email circulars...
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks,Write "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity....... tell some of your friends to come read (and practice) these pearls of wisdom. Its Called. therapy!
And When the laughter has subsided, here's some more...
Who knows who this poor woman is, but I feel between gut-wrenching laughter, I felt trerrible for her!!! Here's her story...
WAX is Not your Friend>>>All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of>easy, painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the>wax.>>My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner,>play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my>mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of>the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the>bathroom.>>It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax,>you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel >them>apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair>right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius,>but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)>>So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each>other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in >so I>get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,">yeah...right!)>>I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and>pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I>can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all>wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.>>With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I>sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.>I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same>procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, >covering>the right half of my *hoo-ha* and stretching down to the inside of my>butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace>myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!>>I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision>returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. >CRAP!!!>>Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I>think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???>Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.>>I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has>caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel >in the>glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no>hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???>>Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see>the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching>wax.>>CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which>is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG>mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know>I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the>slamming of a cell door. "hoo-ha"? Sealed shut!>>Butt?? Sealed shut! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to>figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge >to>poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot>water melts wax!!!>>I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,>immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe >it>off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!>>I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to>torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.>>Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued>together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the>tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.>>So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had>cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!>>God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a>phone put in the bathroom!!!!!>>I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some>secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter - >"So,>my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!">>There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for>removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know >exactly>where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?">>She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the>rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. >YEAH!!!!!>Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.>>While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax>off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies>covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and >then>dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!>>By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and>I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for>this event.>>My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving>grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I >really have>to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!>>The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my>friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!">>I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I>successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my>grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!>>So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I>could have amputated my own leg at this point.>>Next week, I'm going to try hair color......